my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
