i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
