Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
