i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
