you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
