I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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