I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
