i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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