I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Randomize
