And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
