Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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