I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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