So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
