Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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