I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my sisters under your porch take her home
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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