Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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