Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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