Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
