I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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