I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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