i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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