Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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