his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
