Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
