I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
