kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
