There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
