Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize