My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
whose parrot is this?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
