she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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