Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
