so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
