we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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