seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize