Me. At least after what I've been through.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
