You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
