There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
