he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
