im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
