He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
