its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
