I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
