I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
