dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
