Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
sex in a hospital.. check
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
