I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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