I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
