I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
