Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
