I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
