the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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