Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
