Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
did i just pee glitter
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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