I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
