just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
