There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
