Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
