I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
