mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
