can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I looked at my own cervix.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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