That's when you crack a 10am beer
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
