They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
