some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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