As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
