she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I checked into jail on foursquare
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
