4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
